So, Now You Have to Break the News

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            The split is imminent.  You know it.  The longer you let it go without discussing it with your partner, the more awkward it feels.  You have to start the conversation.

 

            Many of us were taught to take difficult conversations head on, be clear and concise, stand our ground.  As we grow into our interest based negotiation strategies, however, standing our ground starts to sound counter-productive.

 

            Recently, the Wall Street Journal considered a new spin on difficult conversations. In a June 14, 2020 article, Elizabeth Bernstein reported advice on difficult conversations.  Specifically, Ms. Bernstein interviewed Christopher Voss, a former hostage negotiator for the FBI and CEO and founder of Black Swan Group, a negotiations training company with a novel approach.

 

            Mr. Voss advises you to prepare yourself by resetting to a positive mindset.  Envision the conversation going well.  “Rewire yourself for gratitude,” he says. 

 

            Applying that strategy to a business break up scenario, it seems like there may be a whole lot for which you can be grateful.  Recall the early days when each of you were necessary to the company’s launch, its growth, its survival.  Think of the celebratory moments along the way.  Perhaps your families were close and good came from that.  Mr. Voss says that the difficult conversation sometimes writes itself from gratitude.

 

            Think of your goal differently.  You might think you should set your financial gain from the break up as your goal.  Instead, focus on how to make your soon-to-be-ex-partner to feel as though you have heard and understood them.  When they feel heard and understood, their brain will release oxytocin.  Oxytocin is a bonding chemical, and, Mr. Voss says, it will change everything.  That sensation is to your advantage.  Essentially, the soon-to-be-ex-partner will feel as though she or he is in the situation with you and take some responsibility to create an acceptable exit plan.

 

            So, to start, Mr. Voss suggests that you might begin by articulating their negative thoughts about you or the situation.  In a business partnership situation, maybe “It’s clear that I have let you do the lion’s share of the work.”  “You must feel like you brought in all of the paying clients and I just cashed my paycheck.”  Whatever fits your situation.

 

            Clearly, this kind of approach empties the other party’s ammo.  But Mr. Voss suggests it does more.  Brain science tells us that when we identify a negative, the negative feelings diminish.  With negative feelings out of the way, the path to a cooperative resolution might be open.

 

            If during discussions, you hit roadblocks, go back to taking responsibility for negativity.  If someone is yelling, Mr. Voss says, they feel like they aren’t being heard.  Restate, reframe, ask your soon-to-be-ex-partner if you have it right. 

 

            If you take responsibility for ensuring your soon-to-be-ex-partner feels heard and understood, you might avoid the other common pitfalls of negotiation.  Your table is set for the real negotiation:  the break-up of the business.

 

            Because you are working cooperatively, putting responsibility on your soon-to-be-ex-partner for coming up with a first offer is not as offensive as it might be under more conflictual circumstances.  Ask your soon-to-be-ex-partner how she or he thinks you should move forward on a break-up.  And negotiate from there.

 

            At each turn, take responsibility for making certain that the communication is working.  Make sure that your soon-to-be-ex-partner feels heard and understood.  You’ve set the table for a cooperative conversation.  Ask them, “how do we break up this business fairly?”

 

            If you reach a stalemate, Mr. Voss suggests that you resist the urge to take a cheap shot at your soon-to-be-ex-partner, but that you leave on a positive note.  It could be something as simple as a summary, “Clearly, you have poured your heart and soul into this business.  I want to be sure that we honor that, but that we honor my contribution, as well.  I believe we can avoid a nasty break up, but it will take both of us to do that.  I look forward to continuing dialog with you and welcome your thoughts.”  If you can, even if you have a stalemate, always, always, always, try setting a date and time for a next call or meeting.  By the time you get to the next visit, they may be ready to continue the work.

 

Ms. Bernstein’s article may be accessed at:  https://www.wsj.com/articles/worried-about-a-difficult-conversation-heres-advice-from-a-hostage-negotiator-11592139600?st=gdw3yul8szho4z9&mod=ffgua

 

 

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